…and after all the havoc—all the madness and absolute annihilation, I start realizing that, whether you around or not, I still undergo the same feeling of unworthiness and woe.
I have this vague idea of what it is that called love.
All the facade I build, all got destroyed when you around. That all, made me came to the conclusion that we both are meant to destroy each other.
[Now Listening: Wild Flower (with youjeen) - RM, Youjeen]
I used to be so happy with things I’ve had back then. Before you.
Then I lost everything all at once.
Had nothing to, no one to count onto.
But that was okay, because I, once again, learn to rely to my own might.
–
August 2021 was hell.
I was 26 when I lost everything all at once. It costed so much, so much I couldn’t even conceive. It was a living hell—faltering, wilting.
Now, there’s no more shame, I start all over again.
Watch me fly.
[Now Listening: King And Lionheart - Of Monsters and Men]
Everyone has the right to come, to wait, to stay, to leave, or just to simply cherish.
At first, I thought those all are vain. But yet today, I found the beauty of it–the beauty to let ourselves choose between all of those options, the beauty to just let our heart learn how to lean on and get stronger.
I am now 28, and I (still) wonder how my life would end up. Have no idea what to expect, what I want to give, what I want to get. I’m (still) trying to understand and unlearn everything. But once again, I learn that the universe will cherish me in good, bad, or ugly.
Knowing this, I commit not to ponder anymore. I will only do things I want to do start from now. I’ll leave my burden behind. There is no ‘new day, new me,’ because I know well that it was and will always be the real me after all.
This is for the 2023, bon voyage!
I’m kind of used to it—being numb.
I’m at the end of the year 2022, and I still cannot even believe I made it this far. I wonder whether or not I will make it to the end. But, again, here I am.
Surviving it all alone cost a lot of energy, it was a rollercoaster of feelings. All I can do was cope, I did all I could do to survive it all. But in the end, it didn’t matter. To be hurt was normal. All I could do was let it all go.
You should be proud since you were the maker of me. I am now standing still because you made me bent in a way I couldn’t predict. So, thank you.
You left my heart like an abandoned car—old and worn out, no used at all.
But I used to be free…
A girl with her colourful clothes
Swarming round and round inside her head
Wondering if she could accuse her own heart
Of feeling uneasy and unwanted
A girl with no words to spew
She wonders if she is okay
She wants him, but she doesn’t
She loves the world, but she doesn’t
She’s shaking
She can’t decide the life she wants
Do you know a girl?
Do you know how she laughs?
Do you notice that she is sad?
Do you know she bleeds to death
wanting a love that heals her heart?
Do you know?
You don’t.
Good evening, dear reader.
I am currently enjoying a cup of black tea while enjoying the clamour inside my head. It is nothing else but the pain that lives inside me for real. Everything seems so exhausting–dealing with people, dealing with the past, dealing with feelings. I feel like everything will never be enough, I will never be enough.
The life I’ve been living was insanely ugly. I wish I could tell you what it felt like to be alienated by those whom you trust the most. I wish I could describe how painful it was to be exiled by those you loved the most.
I wish I was important enough to be remembered, to be held, to be loved. I wish I was great enough to be flattered. I wish I was pretty, amazing, witty, bright, happy. But none of it was me. I am dark and twisty, no one can handle that.
For me, loving is never easy, even for a second. I doubt myself, I doubt my capability of loving. I got a lot of issues, I wear a lot of masks. Being infinite was too far beyond my capacity. It was never enough. I will never be enough.
The scars, they seem bearable. But really, at some point, it will bend you, it will break you apart.
It’s been 4 years, but let me help you bring the old memories of us. I can’t find the right .gif so, here.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
I love you.
This is the hardest part of being me, of living the life I’ve always wanted to live. For so long, and until today, I am stuck between feeling empty and feeling worthless, and I put a lot of effort and heartbreak and everything to get into this point. The worst part of it is working on it all alone, while everybody is putting the label without even try to understand what I’ve been going through. I am a sinking ship and it is not getting better.
I don’t think I am able to do things I used to do back then. I just found out that I felt uncomfortable being around a bunch of people in a mini-concert that was held for a donation. It felt weird being surrounded by people who live in their very own perspective with mine, but they thought they were able to understand the circumstances I’ve been through my whole life.
All my life, I was scared of failing, I was scared of not being good enough, of not being capable enough. I even found myself overwhelmed by my own thoughts I couldn’t even get up from the bed, vomit a lot, light-headed with no reason. I get sleep-deprivation almost every day and it is hell.
For so long I’ve fought so hard, the battle was insane because it was inside my head. I’ve stayed strong for too long I couldn’t even give myself a slack to enjoy me being me. When I finally being open, being vulnerable, they saw me as a burden. Even the man I love didn’t see it as something great–being honest to him, being vulnerable, being the truest form of a human. It is tough because it hurts to be seen as something so wreck, bend, and break at the same time.
The scars–they are real.
And so, we are at this point. I was planning to write you a book, just in case we cannot see each other again. I can say, my life has been super hard and pointless these days.
But as what I ever said,
I born to be infinite.
WORD ECHOES 